It still feels SO weird to be called a mum, a bit like a wife. I still feel 23 inside and not ready for this big wide world but it’s happened, I’m in it and to be honest, 8 months in with Peggy, things are great. Work/life balance doesn’t exist but hey, we’re all muddling through this life.
I don’t want to be too schmaltzy here, because things have been amazing but they also haven’t been easy. So thought I’d share a few things I learnt and found from the complete change to motherhood.
As much as I tried to plan ahead, get the house in a reasonable liveable state (we still had tarpaulin on the floor when we came back from hospital and I was painting the hall the night I went into labour), I would never have been prepared for those first few months.
The relentlessness, the all-consumingness, the realisation that life will never be the same again. I knew all of these things but it never really hits you until it happens. And of course now, I wouldn’t want it any other way but with the hormones and the vulnerability of those early months, there were times when I thought ‘what have we done’ – not about having her, but more ‘are we ready?’, ‘can we really do this?’, ‘are we going to let her down?’.
I felt so conflicted in those early days and now I know that it’s common, I feel better, but at the time you feel you’re a terrible human. I would cry because the idea of ever opening a letter or getting myself a drink or going out ever again seemed impossible. And even when people tell you it will happen, it’s so hard to believe.
It took 4-6 weeks to really connect with her, I loved her and thought she was cute but part of me still felt used and that she didn’t love me or care when I was giving her everything. Now I know that was the hormones talking. Breastfeeding came quite naturally to me (yep, I was surprised, too!) but I was an emotional wreck and felt such a burden on myself in terms of responsibility in keeping a human alive.
The hardest part for me was losing my identity…looking back it was silly but I did find it so hard – I have always been so independent and done my own thing and working for myself probably hasn’t helped, I am so used to being self sufficient and getting things done, so when I couldn’t do all those things I struggled. And then I felt guilty for feeling that way.
But flipping the discourse is a good place to start. Being a mum doesn’t define me, but being a mum is a defining part of my personality. And I’m okay with that.
Childbirth was really empowering. I didn’t read, watch or listen to any birth stories as I’m the type of person who watches one trailer for a scary movie and has nightmares for months. Every birth is different, so I just thought ‘what will be, will be’. And with this I went into the birthing suite with no preconceptions, and you know what?! It wasn’t that bad! Luckily, I had a very smooth birth, who knew they existed? Probably because no one tells you the good stories…but trust me, they are out there! I felt like superwoman afterwards (if a little delicate!), us women are amazing.
I’d even go as far as to say I’d do it again. Maybe.
Working around a baby has had its challenges. This is SUCH a tricky one as one the one-hand I am so lucky I get to work on my own schedule and be with my baby everyday, but part of me wishes I had a choice. As I needed to work, it is hard to be objective.
I got a lot of messages saying ‘you are amazing getting out there and still working, proving it can be done’ but honestly? It’s not something I think people should aspire to…it’s important to allow yourself to breathe, heal, watch mind-numbing crap tv, put your feet up and come to terms with your new family.
If truth be told, I had to send a sponsored Instagram from my hospital bed hours after giving birth as Peggy came early, I was contractually obliged to post and I couldn’t afford to pull out of the job. If that’s not mad, I don’t know what is – luckily I was high on oxytocin so rationality wasn’t entering into my brain at the time.
There are times when Peggy is playing and I realise I’ve been staring at my phone, or the weird feeling when I am taking photos in the street and passers-by stare as Peggy is in her pram and I think ‘what am I doing?’ but, I have to accept that I know I’m a good mum, and those 15 minutes (okay, 45) of stopping to take a photo in the street means I can spend the rest of the day being with her. So you just have to let it go…
Although we have just enrolled her into nursery one day a week, to give ourselves one pure day of work and admin and I must admit, having that day helps us get so much more done and allows us to be better parents (without our phones) when we are with her. Peggy will start nursery 2.5 days a week in the new year and as much as it scares me, I know we are all ready.
I never understood how useful Instagram stories were until I was doing those late night feeds, the community and support of social media was a real lifeline for me. Even if I didn’t message, I would watch others’ stories thinking ‘oh, she’s using a dummy to help/I wonder if that swaddle bag works/okay, she’s going through this too’ and it kept me somewhat sane. I never quite understood the power of videos through social media before but suddenly it all just clicked.
And finally, from a style point of view….breastfeeding clothes. The concept truly baffles me, I honestly didn’t buy a single thing with that label – I just pulled up a top and put a muslin over the baby and my stomach. Sometimes buttons would work but most of the time they were a faff and it was easier just to yank a top up quickly.
I found breastfeeding in public hard, mainly because just when I thought ‘cool, I’ve got this’, a man would get up from the table next door and move so I wouldn’t be embarrassed, which led me to be even more embarrassed and paranoid. And then I’d lose my focus….but on the sofa at home watching Love Island? Perfect.
Also: change bags. Again, I really don’t see the point. And they’re very expensive for essentially a wipeable bag with pockets. I bought the Sezane leopard ‘Sam’ bag whilst pregnant and remember thinking it wouldn’t be big enough, but it was more than enough! I haven’t ever had to carry that much, and what I do carry I put it into zip pouches so it’s all contained and easy to find, within my big bag. In my opinion, just buy a bag you’ll love forever and is big enough to store bottles, toys, muslins etc and you’ll be fine.
So that’s us. Obviously I want to do a huge shout out to Chris for putting up with me those first tough months, what a champ. We still have no clue what we’re doing but we think we’ve found our rhythm, we’ve both got a sense of humour about most things and I know it sounds so cliche but Peggy just gets better and funnier everyday. Hashtag blessed.
Great piece. You have inspired me x
Thank you for this encouraging post. Currently got a 4 week old attached to my chest and feeling like I will never have 5 minutes alone again.
Coming from an independent, do what I want when I want 40plus mum to this non stop feeding machine has felt insane.
Loved reading this Alex – I think it’s so true that so many people aspire to this work/motherhood balance and it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I have been so lucky to have a really strong support system in my mum and mother-in-law who have given me 2 solid days of childcare each week since hunter was born and I truly couldn’t have done it without them. Xx
Loved reading this. So great to hear you had a positive birth – you’re right, we don’t hear enough of those stories! Lovely to meet you on Sunday and thanks for the baby advice xx
Well done for writing. I’ve worked full time supporting my family while having 4 babies. What’s helped overcome the heart break of leaving my baby has been remembering that I may be sacrificing enjoying some of their babyhood but I am gaining spending time with them flexibly throughout their lives. I’m not sure when and why the importance of a years leave came about but I know I’m far happier now (kids aged 2, 4, 6 and 8) spending a little time with them every day than I would be if I’d been working in an office full time during this period. Plus my careee would have dived whereas instead it’s grown. So instead of guilt (a useless unproductive emotion) focus on the child and adult the baby will become and the input you will have on her life because you work flexibly and self employed. And remember it’s your sacrifice not the child’s because bubs doesn’t give a rats arse who looks after her for a lot of the time.
What a brilliant post, I had a baby 15weeks ago and can completely understand those early thoughts. We have been so lucky with an easy going little girl, but it is a massive change to your life. Each week is much better as they start to become more interactive. This post has really put a smile on my face thank you.
Alex I can’t believe you posted this for me to read today of all days. Having the crappest time (2nd baby of 4 months + own business). I’m almost in tears as I agree and relate to everything you’ve said. Down to the breastfeeding and changing bags. More importantly freeeing yourself of the guilt and knowing that you’re doing the best for your own family and everyone has their own situations. Just having one of those bad ‘i’m failing at everything days’ but like you said, just knowing others feel this way sometimes too and i’m not alone in these thoughts, gives me just enough strength to get through it and just win another day instead. thank you x
Hi Alex. I’ve been enjoying our parallel baby lives (my Zoe is 7 and a half months) over here in Bristol. I’m so with you on the middle of the night posts. They were so reassuring in the early days. You’re doing great. We all are. Xxx
Awwwww best post ever Alex! I just loved how real you were! It was an emotional read.
I’m not a mum yet, 39, Attorney from the Caribbean and just had a miscarriage (my first). When I found out I was pregnant, all these doubts just hit me immediately and I felt that having a baby would just change my life, independence, my job etc. When I lost it, it dawned on me that there’s no use for the self doubting and I’m hoping that if I’m blessed with one again, I will be ready emotionally.
I have so many close girlfriends whose lives have changed, but they are doing such an amazing job with my god children, that I’m so proud of them. They have been fantastic moms, even those like you and me with the self doubt, just turned everything around and now just stellar moms. I look at their parenting, and it amazes me how much they have just naturally become mothers. I still think we are 15 or in our 20’s!!
Moms are just awesome, no matter what kind of parenting they aspire to or practice. I think everyone is doing their best!
And as for the dads, kudos to those who really put themselves out there!!! My embryo daddy was the best and he impressed me so much by being there for me. I was an emotional wreck and he surpassed providing support with so much reasonable insight I wanted to try for another one right away. ?
As for Peggy, she is so beautiful and you could tell how loved she is by both of you. ?
Thanks for this.
Sxx
Such a great, thoughtful and refreshingly honest post. Thank you.
What a gorgeous baby and you are making a fabulous mum – you should all feel very proud of yourselves becoming such a fabulous family. You have made me remember my early days of being a ‘mum’. I gave up work and became a ‘full time mum’ – it was not as easy to stay in my job and work part-time in those days. I lost my whole identity (and confidence). For 12 months I would not buy anything for myself – with not bringing any money into the house I felt that I could not buy anything for me (not even a pair of tights)! In the end my husband had to physically take our baby off me, leave her to be minded by her grandparents and march me to the shops.
Ahhhh – happy days.
Such an honest and beautiful post. Could not agree more. My little boy is 2 months older than Peggy, and i enjoy reading about your “tips and tricks” and fashion of course. Take care and best of luck 🙂
Thanks for this honest piece. I am currently at home with my 7 week old girl and I’ve been feeling exactly the same. It has already gotten better and because of your blog post I finally feel like I have something to look forward to again so thanks a lot!
Love this! And all so relatable. Being freelance is on one side amazing as we get to spend a lot of time at home but on the flip side it’s so tricky to get work done and be you. Isn’t Peggy growing fast!!
I absolutely love this post, there are so many things that I recognise in myself. I have a 13 month old son, and really struggled to get my head around being a mum. I love that it doesn’t define me but is a defining part of my personality – I will remember that one! It is so all-consuming, especially at first you do nothing but look after them 24 hours a day… how can it not become part of you?
ps. I agree on the changing bags too! Never bought one, just used my favourite rucksack!
Candid and with so much integrity! And I love this baby Peggy, she was born on March 12th just like me, the photos with Peggy always make my day❤️
Dear Alex, just want to congratulate you on what is probably the best piece you’ve ever posted. I am a 56 years young grandma who went through similar issues when I became a mum, and quite honestly, I don’t think there are many women who don’t experience the greatest life change without struggle. I love your practical FRUGAL approach to fashion, beauty and decor and really admire your taste. More importantly, I think your honesty in sharing your own life experiences is so important in the realm of social media, which is often so aspirational and unrealistic that it causes us to feel we can never be good enough.
Thank you, Alex, for not just being an influencer, but being an encourager. Keep doing what you’re doing! All the bed to you, Chris and gorgeous wee Peggy! ❤️
Such a lovely piece, thank you so much!
Would you ever consider posting an edit of bags that could be used as change bags? Your round up would be so invaluable!
This is a good idea! To be honest it would be hard as I wouldn’t be able to test for pockets etc but the thing to look out for is: a large size like a tote, pockets are good and the best thing about my leopard bag is the small strap as well as a long one. I attach mine to a clip on my buggy and the short strap means it doesn’t bash my legs as I walk! xxx
Oh what a wonderful message to read! Thank you so much, this has cheered me up today! xxx
Thank you! Yes you will always remember her birthday! x
Yes it’s so hard to put into words so I am so glad it made sense! xxx
I think all parents make it up as we go along! My kids are 18 and 15 now and we still have good days and bad days – hormones have a lot to answer for. My sister told me that my kids would make me laugh every day (sometimes for the wrong reasons!) and she was right. Enjoy your beautiful little family.
xx
That was a great reminder! One thing that is for sure, things always work out. All you need is to give it a little time without worrying about it all. Really, it’s the best joyride – roller coaster. And yes I totally agree with you about breastfeeding. I breastfed both of my children for 21 months and when I tried to do that in public, I soon realized that not everyone is comfortable with that. But hey, I never ever used a bottle, so there was a lot less to carry and therefore, I never bought any bag. My old ones, worked for me just fine.
This is such a lovely perspective on things x
Thank you so much for your lovely message, thank you for sharing your story, too xxxx
Hi Alex, so glad I read this post today. We have a newborn 4 weeks on sat and I’ve had the worst day, lots of crying ( both of us) , feeling alone while my partner is working and bf too. I was totally independent before this I’m 41 and it has been the biggest shock to my system. Your so right NOTHInG can prepare you. I really hope it gets better. Of course I love her but motherhood at the start is painted out to be all so rosy , well it’s been really tough( certainly for me anyway). . Hubby has taken her out in the car for a drive hoping she will go over to sleep and I can finally have a shower and feel half human. I’m glad I’ve read your post gives me hope . Well done you xx
I soooooo loved reading this! It brought back some gorgeous and some not so gorgeous memories! Hudson is nearly 2 now and I STILL look at him thinking ‘omg I made a human, I can’t be grown up enough to be his mum’! But I love how honest you are about the work life balance. I feel the guilts while working but I know it makes me a happier mum when I’m with him. It’s sooooo important to never forget who we were before being a mum too! They will be so proud when they are older ? xxx
Honestly, it does get easier….I remember everyday up to 6 months being exhausting but now I have ‘we had fun today’ as well as being exhausting! I also didn’t get a real smile until about 12 weeks and getting almost nothing back was tough, I’m such a ‘results’ person! But as soon as they can start to communicate a bit more, show they love you more than anything – it clicks. You are not alone and always try and get out at least once a day, even if just a walk around the block with her xxx
Yes- I can’t believe someone let me bring a human into this world!!
Sorry about your HEAVY COLD!
Not sure how to get this suggestion to you Kate but here goes.
Babies that go to nursery become germ bundles….and they give us all terrible colds because we love and kiss them…rightly so.
As a hands on grandmother, I started taking one zinc tablet every day (cheap Boots own brand). It takes 3 months for the benefit to kick in but eventually if you catch a cold it will be far less harsh.
Worth a try!
OOPS Sorry I meant Alex not Kate!! A senior moment.
Thanks for sharing, Alex. Even as someone without children, I find your content relatable. I wondered about the perspective of your partner and how he found the journey of pregnancy and now fatherhood?
Thank you! My sister bought me echinacea tablets, too – giving anything a go! x
Thank you! Yes that would be interesting….although whether he would want to do it is another matter! We are doing a post soon on what it’s like to work together so maybe a few things will come up there x
Its as if you have read my mind. I am currently at home with my 4 week old baby girl and as a self employed photographer i’ve really been struggling with the idea of going back to work when I currently find it hard to leave baby girl alone just so I can go for a wee! Ive also really struggled with breastfeeding as didnt like having the solo responsibility of feeding and found it very draining physically (baby likes 1-2 hour feeds) but after the support from my other half and my midwife we decided to formula feed during the day and breastfeed at night and it was the best decision we could have made. I love reading your blogs and watching your insta stories, its very inspiring.
Yes, hear all of this – and you never know how you feel until it happens! Breastfeeding very drainy, both physically and emotionally too – we did a mix of both and it made me appreciate and enjoy breastfeeding so much more! x
I can relate to a lot of this. I remember so clearly thinking ‘what have we done’ a few hours after my son was born. Here we were, back home only a few hours after i’d given birth, feeling somewhat euphoric as we gazed at our lovely sleeping baby… and then my parents left, our little boy suddenly woke up from his post birth snooze and howled for what felt like hours, we didn’t know what to do, breastfeeding was agony, and I just remember sitting on our bed, feeling beyond exhausted, and actually telling my husband ‘what have we done?!’ .
Like you, I feel like it took me a few weeks to properly fall in love with him.
Fast forward 4 years and I had a completely different experience when our daughter was born. Obviously with the second one you’re prepared, you know what to expect, and importantly you’ve already gone through the massive adjustment to life with very little sleep! so that makes a massive difference. I totally fell head over heels for my daughter. I love them both beyond words but boy those early days were hard first time round… X
Love this so much Alex xx
Hi! I’m new here but you’ve just had me with this post. So relatable. It was very hard for me, as I also had that most feared PPD diagnostic…and it is very hard not to feel guilty and embarrassed about it, but little by little, we are getting there. My little girl is 9 months old now and so so funny, and beautiful, and smart (way smarter than me :D). Thank you for your words. You have gained a new faithful follower! Kisses from Brasil!!
Oh so sorry to hear but so glad everything is slotting into place and getting easier for you xxx