At some point on this blog, I stopped being ‘too’ personal. I’m not sure when it happened but it was a bit of a conscious decision…I wanted to try and separate my fashionable blog life to my actual, personal life. And to be honest, pictures which weren’t a new handbag or an amazing Asos buy just weren’t bringing in as many likes…so I took a different path.
This has worked for me, but it wasn’t without its drawbacks. Last year, just before my nan’s 92nd birthday, she passed away in St George’s Hospital and my world completely changed.
Suddenly I had become part of a Social Media world where I didn’t feel like I could be happy, or down, or talk about it – it wasn’t ‘on brand’. And quite frankly, I didn’t want to talk about it.
I actually don’t think I could have written this until now, it was too upsetting (and this post hasn’t come without its tears!).
Most people who knew me would know that my family was my sister, parents and Nanna Stedders. My grandad passed away when we were young and she has always been the matriarch of our family, having Sunday roast with us most weekends and over at ours every Christmas. When I moved out of home, I lived 20 minutes walk away and would see her every weekend, my sister even a couple of times a week as she worked locally.
There’s not anyone I knew or worked with who didn’t know of Nanna Stedders (she even had her own hashtag #NannaStedders) – born in 1924 she was one of 9 children in a small 3 bed council house with lodgers (!), worked as a seamstress on Newman Street, slept in the London underground during the bombings, did official war work during the second world war working in a factory helping build planes (she used to add screws to things – this is as much as she described!). She loved roast dinners, being ‘waited on’, banana sandwiches, aero mousses and every soap opera going. Joan was a proper ‘South London’ nan – stern on the outside but soft on the inside and always kissed us on the lips and left us birthday messages on our answer machines singing the entire ‘Birthday’ song.
She was the strongest woman I knew, she had Hodgkins Lymphoma for many years but in the end she lost her life to Dementia. I think this was the hardest part, as the woman we said goodbye to was not the woman we knew. there were glimpses, only.
It was a huge strain on the family, and my parents and aunt took on most of the responsibilities, making sure she was eating her meals, that her fridge was stocked everyday…and my sister and cousin would fill in the gaps but it soon got to the point where carers were needed, too.
Watching someone go from cooking all their meals and being entirely self sufficient, to not caring about eating, or remembering when you had been round, or often your name (she would often refer to my sister as ‘Rocco’s mum’) was heartbreaking. It was a completely different relationship and one that gives you no time to come to terms with. You just have to adapt.
The reason I’m really writing this is because actually, my nan is one of the lucky ones. She had people and family to care for her, she had a support network and people dropping in to see her every day. Not everyone is so lucky. Sometimes my nan was a bit down with loneliness – she used to say she dreaded winter because at 4:30pm she knew she would pull those blinds down, lock the door and that’s the last she would see of anyone until the following day. I can’t even imagine what it would be like for people with no relatives nearby or living completely alone.
So I am raising money for Dementia, in the memory of nan, and to help others. She would’ve been 93 last Friday and this is something I could think of that would shine a positive light on what happened. There is no pressure at all, I will send to my family and friends, and I know there are so many commitments to try and keep up with, but if you’d like to donate then here is a link to Just Giving.
Or if you fancy having a browse in my Tictail shop, 100% of all the sales from everything that is listed there this week will go to the charity (I will not be able to claim Gift Aid on these purchases though). The pieces I am selling were all bought by myself, and not gifts from PRs.
Thank you, as always, for all your support.
Oh Alex. What a beautifully written, heartfelt piece. Thank you for sharing this. We lost a family member in similar circumstances; she too was the matriarch and so so beloved.
This is a brilliant cause which I will support.
Thank you again for raising awareness.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone with dementia is almost like losing them twice, the first time is slow and almost imperceptible onset of dementia, then of course there is the final loss when they pass away.
There is one thing that has comforted me when people close to me have died, and that is the knowledge that they aren’t suffering anymore. It’s not a lot, I know.
That is straight from the heart. Must have been so hard to write but I am glad you have told us about your wonderful Nan.
I was in the same situation with two great aunts and watched dementia take away their dignity and their lives. It is such a cruel disease and it even harder for those without any family. They needed so much support and ended their lives in care homes passing away at 102 and 101 respectively.
We must look after our elderly and hope that someone will do the same for us when we need it.
Take care.
Deborah x
Alex. This is a beautifully heartfelt piece. Dementia is something which I’m sure has and will effect many of us and it certainly isn’t pleasant to watch. You were very lucky to have such an amazing lady in your life. Much love. X
Well done, Alex. I never comment on blogs but I applaud you for writing what was in your heart and discussing something unexpected that will never be a subject people are going to ‘like’ or even necessarily know how to respond to. Nevertheless it affects so many of us. I’m sure it’s incredibly important to keep your personal life personal but the beauty of blogs is that they come from people not publishers and you have shared in a dignified and eloquent way. We lost my father in law to dementia a few months ago. He started suffering in his fifties and it took him and his dignity and made a big man with a huge personality into somebody frail and unknown. Fundraising is something we can do to help others and you’ve inspired me too. Thank you. Sorry for such a long comment!
Hi Alex, thank you for your heartfelt post. Such a sad loss for your family in so many ways. My Grandad made aeroplanes during the war too (in fact he did for all of his working life). Just think, they may have even known one another!
I just new you were going to talk about dementia as soon as I saw the link on twitter. My mum was diagnosed last week and I am completely and utterly devastated. Thank you for this emotional post and I am sorry for your loss. Nina.
I’m so glad you have included this post here. It’s a very useful reminder that behind all the happy things we see on social media we’re all real people dealing with the ups and downs of life. Reading your blog and posts on Instagram and Twitter has been a great distraction to me in recent months when life has been quite tough and I hope you can feel supported by your followers here, both with understanding and helping you to raise funds. Fiona x
The last picture at your wedding is so beautiful. I am sorry for your loss, I was close to the three grandparents I had and I miss them lots. ?
Thanks for sharing this, what a wonderful woman your Nana sounds.
We had the exact same experience almost to the letter with our family and my Nana Bennett, who was 96 when she died and not as bad with dementia but just at the start of being forgetful of names and some carers had to come in to help etc. I miss her every single day.
She was born in 1917 in Wigan and was a cotton weaver before working in the munitions factories during WWII and where she met my papa. Her jobs have a place in history really, as with much of that generation! They moved to Scotland, where my papa was from, and lived 15 mins walk from us so we saw them every day. Both missed very much. x
What a beautiful post- thank you for sharing.
Alex, your post had me tearing up so much. Every word conveys how much you loved your grandmother, and how close you two were. I’m so very sorry you’ve had to go through this.
I remember losing my grandmother a few years ago, a woman who had helped raise me and was such an active part of my life. One day, she stood up, had a stroke, and that was it. She was 75. I spent years lamenting (and would be lying if I still didn’t think it), “But she could have had 20 more years!” But I also can see how heart-wrenching it would have been if dementia had claimed her mind, and the last 20 years had been spent watching the matriarch I looked up to become someone else.
Essentially, it’s never easy, nor is it ever the ‘right time.’ It’s tough, and it changes you as a person for good. And it takes years and years for it not to sting to think about every damn time.
I guess this is all to say: I absolutely understand what you are going through, as I’m sure many of your readers do. These personal posts, if anything, are what help us see the person through the ‘blogger’ (social media can be this weird paradoxical place of being so connected and yet, so isolating). Your charity donation is such a great cause. And your readers will support you, no matter the types of posts you do.
Eire x (sorry for the epically long response…)
This was so lovely to read. But heartbreaking too. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. She sounded amazing and fabulous. But it also sounds like she had a great life. You’re very lucky to have had such a wonderful head to your family and a role model. Sending hugs and again thank you for sharing.
That was beautiful Alex thank you so much for your tribute.
So many hugs, and so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing–it’s a human thing, right there with the handbags and sale scores. I love your blog. The post brought back a flood of memories as we lost my beloved Aunt Vinnie last year (not a fan of 2016) 2 months shy of her 91st. She was my mom’s last sibling. Distance and circumstance really don’t matter, people are different, but there are experiences we all share–thanks for sharing yours and for taking your personal story to the next level with your generosity. What is remembered lives. ♥
A lovely post and a joy to read something personal from a blogger I follow, don’t ever worry about sharing – its all about connections I think – what makes life worthwhile.
Thanks for sharing this very moving post. We lost our step-grandma aged 92 a few months back. She was a fascinating woman with a background working in fashion and up until just before she died was still making amazing collages she would present as Birthday and Christmas cards. We miss her loads. Your nan sounded like a wonderful lady – thanks for sharing your words and lovely pictures xxx
I just want to say thank you for your post. ❤️
Love this post!! Thank you for sharing 🙂
Xx, TL
https://zimmylifestyle.com
Love this post so much Alex x x Very moved.
What a moving post. I understand not wishing to make your blog too personal. I often think how odd people are for putting their lives on public display but now I realise it’s because they rarely have anything to say that’s of interest to anyone else. This however was interesting and sadly dementia will more than likely effect us all one way or another. I wish you the best of luck with your fundraising and will certainly be adding to the pot.
What a beautiful memorial to your nan – very moving lovely post.
Wonderful, real and heart – warming Alex, just as you are! You are one of very few real people, always kind, down to earth and realistic about life’s ups and downs. Those who left us will live, as long as we remember them and this article is the best proof. Thank you for sharing and thank you for caring Alex, for me and probably many of us you are someone who is leading by example, very authentic.
A lovely post which reminds me on my own ‘South London Nan’ whom we lost around this time 5 years ago. Like you, I was extremely close to my nan and, being the first grandchild (and a girl – after she had 5 sons) she always treated me just that bit more ‘special’ and I miss her daily. Thank you for sharing such personal feelings – it helps us all to be reminded that life happens to everyone, good and bad. Know that you’re not alone in heartbreak and that as time moves on, the many happy memories will prevail.
Thank you for your post. It’s a beautiful tribute to your Nanna and to the love shared by a family. It can’t be easy to share personal information with so many people you haven’t met. I think it’s all too easy to see blogs and Instagram and imagine that real life and emotions don’t touch this glossy world. I wish health and happiness for you and your family
I am glad you wrote this and I had a strong Nan like you. I miss her every day.
Thank you for sharing, dementia has touched my life too and it’s heartbreaking.
Your Nana sounds wonderful, that last picture of her at your wedding is an absolute joy.
x
Oh Alex, this post was so touching. I know how much Nanna Stedders meant to you, and I always loved hearing about her. Thank you so much for sharing, bringing attention, and raising for the cause. You truly are an angel.
And for what it’s worth, I love the personal posts!
Briony xox
dementia is just so cruel… for the person and entire family..
Hold the happy memories close…
I admire your post very much…
So sorry to hear of your loss & your story touched me to tears too.
Big hugs i LOVE your blog!!
many thanks for all your great fashion posts!
Angela x
I’m sorry for your loss. Dementia is a terrible, terrible disease. We are dealing with three instances of it in our family at the moment, and the impact on our loved ones (those with it, and those of us responding to it) is immeasurable.
I used to work in Government, and one of the last jobs I did before I left to set up my business was running a quasi dementia “think tank”. Our job was to create a route to fund dementia drugs, and to identify and nurture responses to dementia which would improve the lives of those with dementia and their carers and families. It was one of the hardest roles I ever had, but the one I am most proud of – the work we did has helped a lot of people. I thought it might be useful to point your readers, many of whom will be touched in some way this shitty disease, to a couple of useful resources.
The first is Dementia Citizens – http://dementiacitizens.org – which is a is a project to connect people with dementia and their carers with researchers, using apps via smartphones and tablets.
The goal of the apps is to find activities which people with dementia can enjoy with families and friends, while contributing to dementia research (so helping us understand more about dementia care).
I would also point people towards the Alzheimer’s Society and ARUK – both wonderful organisations, staffed by people with enormous knowledge and understanding. We can’t yet cure it, but there is support out there and I urge people to tap into it.
Finally, I wanted to suggest that families and friends help people with dementia to record their memories if possible. As the disease progresses, all of the stories and narratives and memories fade – and if there is a way to record them (sound, or video, or notes, or talking to photographs) then it’s a wonderful thing to do.
I’m so sorry for your loss Alex. I really appreciate your openness and it is so nice to hear these very raw stories. Life isn’t just the pretty stuff and more people should turn the lens around more. These are stories that we all have. It’s good to hear that we are not alone. Kindest wishes, Natalie x
Love this kind of posts!
Xx, Tiffany Lea
https://zimmylifestyle.com
Totally understand your need to keep the personal out of your working profile but I’m sure there are many of your followers who, like me, appreciate you sharing your Nan’s story. It is the personal stories that bond us all together and this is a wonderful way to celebrate your Nan’s life and legacy.
I like all your posts, personal or otherwise!
They won’t let me donate from here but I will find a dementia charity in NZ to donate to instead, in memory of all our much loved grandmothers.
I always think of Harry Potter’s Dementors when dementia is mentioned, it’s a cruel disease.
Your case is very typical of all families with loved ones who have dementia. You’re right, your nan was lucky to have all of you around. I have been nursing patients with dementia for more than 15 years now and it doesn’t get any better. Most of them don’t get any visitors even on their birthdays or at Christmas. We’re basically their families for months at times. Unfortunately, dementia doesn’t get as much publicity and support as compared to cancer. I hope somebody like you could kickstart the change.
You have the same smile as your Nanna. She lives on through you.
Thanks for sharing. My Grandma died 10 years ago and I still miss her. A strong woman with a strong sense of family and of style – she was an inspiration. The bond we have with grandparents can be something special, something very different to the one with our parents. I know I was lucky to have such a wonderful Grandma, and it sounds like you were too. That doesn’t make the loss easier to bear – so I’m sending you good wishes and strength. x
I am so sorry for your loss. I loved my Grandma THE MOST. She died 15 years ago when I was 30 and I still think of her most days and dream about her a lot. Ugh even typing that has made me cry!! Big, virtual, grandmother-missing hugs to you xx
Alex this brought tears to my eyes. I’m so so sorry for your loss. She sounds like she was incredibly loved. What a wonderful lady x
Oh I can so relate to you, I had one amazing gran ( Nain) She lived in a council house and spoiled my sister and I rotten with love and affection, doted on us and our kids, she died 6 years ago. I was in Waitrose this morning and there was a bar of Rittersport Marzipan chocolate, she loved marzipan, and if she was here I would have bought and taken it over on the way back from work.
I think of her so much and I was very lucky to have such a wonderful Nain in my life xx
Love and support always xx
What a beautiful tribute to your beloved Nanna Stedders. There’s something (well, everything) special about their generation & when we lose them, we grieve for their spirited souls as much as their warm & guiding constant presence. She always reminded me of my own Nan in the little excerpts you shared; that matriarchal strength & Londoner’s humour! When I lost my Pop it utterly devastated me & I think of him every single day (it’s why I named ‘Poppy’).
My Auntie is currently undergoing testing for Dementia. I can only imagine how tough it must’ve been for all you after seeing moments of what yet may endure from experience.
S xx
p.s. I was too late to snap up something in your Tictail shop but will keep my eyes peeled in case you list more pieces.
Thanks so much for your support as always, Sophie! Hope everything is okay with your auntie xxx
We were the lucky ones – I think sometimes what makes it harder is having them for so long – the become an even bigger part of our lives xx
Thanks Jo – she was indeed! xx
I don’t think the heartbreak will ever be too little, but it gets easier to to deal with – and I am content that she is at peace and not suffering in hospital anymore x
So true – such a wonderful bond. Thank you xx
Aah thank you xx
I have hear stories like this and it makes me so sad – thank you so much for all your hard work! xx
I’ve been watching Harry Potter last weekend- and see what you mean! Thank you xx
yes, sometimes it’s the more personal elements that bring people together xx
Yes, so true – and I am feeling overwhelmed by all the love and support from strangers xx
Thank you for all this amazing info, I had no idea about any of this – so helpful. My Just giving goes to the Alzheimer’s Society and we’ve raised almost £1000 so very happy xx
Thank you – means a lot xx
Thank you so much for your kind words xxx
This is a lovely and emotive post and you can totally tell how much your Nan was loved! It’s also relevant to me as my Mum has early onset alzheimers (diagnosed at 64) and it’s been tough knowing what the right care can be. She’s recently moved to a care home – but one that has G&T’s and 3 course meals – so at least we know she’s eating! Well done on the fund raising and thank you for sharing xx
What a lovely post. My grandmother-in law sounds just like your Nanna Stedders. I only knew her for about 10 years, she died last year and there’s a big gap in the family. She loved roast dinners too, I’ve heard about legendary Sunday lunches with two types of potatoes and big, lush puddings for afters. Her Christmas pudding was always delicious and she was kind enough to pass the recipe on to me. She was a talented dressmaker and painter with a heart of gold and a sharp wit.
Hope you’re doing ok x
I would first like to say, I am so sorry for your loss & secondly, thank you for sharing this post. I lost my Granddad Sid to Dementia in April. He was also a true South Londoner, fought in the war & survived being a prisoner of war for four years, loosing him to dementia was heart breaking & a massive strain on my family. He would have been 100 this September. I will be donating to your Just Giving page & you have inspired me to also raise some money for this very worthy cause.
Hi Alex, Just managed to catch up on your blog. I am so sorry for your loss, this was so beautifully written and it made me emotional reading it. She sounds like a wonderful woman.
Sending love
Thaarani x
I lost my Grammy in 2013. I still count it as the worst year of my life. Grans are SUCH important people and when we lose them, there is an unmistakable hole which cannot be filled. I also lost my great Grandma to dementia and she was very dear to me as well. I’ll make a donation when I’m home to vacation for both our Grans <3
Thank you so much – yes grandmas are so important – I guess having her around for so long made her harder to lose as well!
Thank you so much lovely xx
Sorry for your loss too – amazing how many people it affects really – and it is so heartbreaking xxx
My nan was a seamstress, as well! Definitely a generation thing – good at most things! Thank you so much xx
Oh I am so sorry to hear this, but happy she is in a good home and that you know she is being looked after xxx
This article really touched me as my mum has recently been diagnosed with dementia and has deteriorated terribly since last November. The biggest challenge is that she has changed personality and is very verbally abusive. She suffers from agitation and positional low blood pressure and is very prone to fainting. She needs professional 24 hour care but needs a small sized home as she gets anxious when visitors/strangers visit and loses track of where she is very quickly. Its a horrible illness, am so pleased you have raised it. Thank you x
Oh no, this is so sad – it’s good she is in the best place to be cared for – try and focus on the positive sides to her personality – she is stil there deep down xx
Thank you for this post, Alex. I really appreciate being able to relate to these amazing bloggers I follow, and to know they are human and not just a perfectly composed picture all the time. I can feel and understand your pain in a way, as we also lost my grandma to dementia last summer. It was nothing but heartbreaking seeing her light fade slowly, and all you are left with are your memories. I still cannot look at her pictures for more than two second… Thanks for raising awareness, for opening up to us and I am really sorry for your loss. Xx, Saida
Thanks so much Saida – so sorry for your loss, too – so interesting it has affected so many people, and actually quite comforting to have people to share the memories with xx
I’m so sorry, how lovely to have had such a close relationship with your Nanna, wish I could have had similar. My mum has Alzheimer’s and already the woman I love is slipping away from us. so hard to bear..
I’m so sorry to hear – it is very hard to live and deal with…and the best way is to have patience – your mum is still there underneath it all xxx
I have been meaning to write for a long time you are from far far ahead my favorite fashion IG / blogger account ! And as I am browsing through your blog I read this post and I am also on the verge of crying !!! Thank you it shows that fashion influencer can have a heart , I am very concern about old people ( I loved my nana and my Minou so very much) and as you say lonelyness at the end of a life is so terrible and sad. Thank you once again xxx
Thank YOU for reading, and your lovely kind words xxx
Just found your blog via The Anna Edit, and I stumbled upon this post.
I lost my Grandma about a year ago, and it was (and continues to be) very hard on me. Like you, my Grandma was a guidepost in my family and she was the only grandparent I have that I really remember. Losing someone that means so much to you is one of the most difficult things I think we can go through.
Thanks for sharing your story and hurts with your readers. I can only imagine how challenging it must be to get so personal online, especially when you’ve built your brand around clothes and the like, but just know that it’s much appreciated.
Love from Canada.
– Rebecca
Thank you so much Rebecca! It means even more to me that everyone has responded with such lovely messages – sorry to hear about your grandma and know the loss is always there but hopefully the pain gets easier xxx